Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression (part 4) The Everyday

So, I was on the third week of having had Kyler, I was still bleeding from the delivery, and still hoping that maybe I was bleeding bad enough to be sent back to the hospital.  Insane right?  We were so exhausted from not getting any sleep.  Kyler would grunt the entire night and we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him besides the generic “colic” term.  Perhaps he really had colic; but no one was able to help us help him.  Meanwhile, the breastfeeding was such an issue.  I just hated every minute of it.  I hated waking up in the middle of the night and fighting to get him to latch on correctly.  I hated having to be half dressed for most of the day.  I hated how uncomfortable I was when he was feeding. 

Unfortunately, I was still not bonding with my baby.  Kyler was not “cute” by any means, he was so tiny and fragile.  He wasn’t progressing with anything that my friends’ babies were doing.  I was so expecting a gerber baby but had an alien baby.  This is definitely sounding like a pity me party; but in all honesty, it was very real to me.  Selfishly, I just wanted my old life back.  We waited until I was 30 to have a baby so perhaps I had just been independent for too long.  I wanted to feel like me again and not just a milk maker.  Still to this day, I get depressed to hear other mothers with their perfect new babies who slept all the time and never cried.

We were temporarily living in a condo while we waited for our new house to be built so our living situation didn’t help matters. I remember just holding Kyler for hours praying for him to stop crying while my husband was at work.  I would walk in mini circles outside our front door singing lullabyes to him for literally hours at a time.  Tears would just pour down my face.  Maybe I just didn’t know what to do with him.  Maybe if I had another one it would be better because I could do things differently.  At this point though, we’re not taking any chances, one is enough! 

It was so frustrating to not be in control of my life, home, baby, etc.  Our condo was a wreck which was definitely adding to the depression.  As mentioned in other posts, I am a perfectionist and when it comes to clutter and messes…they make me CRAZY!  When you have a newborn, you have clutter and messes- especially when you live in a tiny condo.  The baby gear was everywhere, our dog’s fur was everywhere because I couldn’t vacuum like I wanted, gunk was building up everywhere due to lack of alone time to get it cleaned.  I looked absolutely HORRIBLE.  Fortunately, I DID lose the weight and my body was returning to post pregnancy-ish again.  Sort of.  Jeans and tee shirts still weren’t fitting right but the scale was looking a bit better.  Basically, I didn’t have time to eat and what I did eat was coming right back out in the breastmilk.

My mother in law was truly a lifesaver throughout Kyler’s first few months.  She helped me by keeping him at least once a week.  Thank God!  While he was away,  I wouldn’t rest.   I’d just clean, read baby help books, and eat as much as I could!  I would analyze everything about the way I was taking care of Kyler trying to find a miracle solution to his eating and sleeping issues.  BTW,  I tried all sorts of herbal remedies and gas medicines: Colic Calm, various Little Tummies products, and Mylicon.  None of which were successful.

I felt sorry for myself everyday.  It was weird to be so down…I mean just DOWN.  Why wasn’t I bonding with my baby?  Why was I being so selfish wanting my free time back?  Why did it seem like I was the only one feeling this way?