Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression (Part 2) AT HOME

Talk about exhaustion, chaos, confusion, darkness, sadness….that was me at home with this new little alien that we called Kyler.  Before we left the hospital, the doctors noted that Kyler was a bit jaundiced but released him anyway.  Poor little baby could barely open his eyes due the all the “junk” around them, he was as orange as could be, and just a teeny fragile little thing (about 5 pounds).  At home, everything was in order as far as “baby stuff” goes.  We were anxious to use all of our new gear.  Anxious….ok, nervous….ok, terrified.

So, there I was at home.  What now?  Feed him? Play with him?  (Yes, I thought I was supposed to actually play with my newborn.)  Do I put him in his crib now?  Well, the books I had read spelled it all out for me: eat, activity, sleep, eat, activity, sleep, etc.  OK, not so much.  I found that my arms were in severe cramp mode from carrying Kyler around in the awkward position that I thought was appropriate.   I really wanted to eat or go to the bathroom or GET AWAY pretty much immediately.  I kept trying to feed him but it was an entire procedure because I just couldn’t get comfortable with him.  I’d prop five pillows behind me and, again, awkwardly try to hold him the way I had been taught in order for him to latch on properly.  Milk was just spraying everywhere, Kyler was crying, my back and arms were aching…I hated breastfeeding from this point forward. 

I couldn’t wait for the next day because we were going back to the doctor for Kyler’s checkup and I wanted to get out of the house!  Until then, we had to deal with the night.  My husband tried to help as best as possible; but it was me who was doing the holding and feeding and rocking/swaying.  I remember just crying thinking about how I could never do anything alone again.  It was so hard to do anything because I just couldn’t put the baby down.  He would cry and I did not know how to console him.  I was still feeling tired from the medicine I’d received at the hospital and thank goodness for it.  However, the need and want to sleep was just so strong.  I wanted to die.  I just did not want to be a mother.  At this point, I had no desire to be with my baby at all.  I’m sure that some people may read this and think what a lunatic I was…I truly couldn’t help it!  I hated it!  Unfotunately, I did not feel the love and bond that many others have with their newborn.  What WAS wrong with me???

That night, we just took turns holding him, trying to get him to sleep.  If we set him down, he’d just cry or make this really loud grunting noise.  I fed him every 1-2 hours and hated every minute of it.  Oh, I hated my husband at this point too!  I don’t remember too much more from that night other than I felt sorry for myself and wanted to go back in time.  I counted down the hours until we took Kyler to the doctor so that someone else could help hold him and briefly take me out of this nightmare of a life I was in.

Finally, we made it through the night and to the doctor’s office….GUESS WHAT?!?!  My baby’s jaundice was severe enough to land him back in the hospital overnight.  Crazy as this sounds, I was SO excited until I found out that we would all be staying in the same hospital room overnight.  My husband and I would share a single hospital bed and poor Kyler would lay beside us underneath the “lights” in the incubator type thing.  We were not to pick him up unless I was feeding him which actually did hurt my heart a bit.  Thank goodness, I wasn’t a complete monster.  I did feel sorry for my alien.  I did like the attention and help that we received while in the hospital and again dreaded going home.

More to come…..