Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression (Part 2) AT HOME

Talk about exhaustion, chaos, confusion, darkness, sadness….that was me at home with this new little alien that we called Kyler.  Before we left the hospital, the doctors noted that Kyler was a bit jaundiced but released him anyway.  Poor little baby could barely open his eyes due the all the “junk” around them, he was as orange as could be, and just a teeny fragile little thing (about 5 pounds).  At home, everything was in order as far as “baby stuff” goes.  We were anxious to use all of our new gear.  Anxious….ok, nervous….ok, terrified.

So, there I was at home.  What now?  Feed him? Play with him?  (Yes, I thought I was supposed to actually play with my newborn.)  Do I put him in his crib now?  Well, the books I had read spelled it all out for me: eat, activity, sleep, eat, activity, sleep, etc.  OK, not so much.  I found that my arms were in severe cramp mode from carrying Kyler around in the awkward position that I thought was appropriate.   I really wanted to eat or go to the bathroom or GET AWAY pretty much immediately.  I kept trying to feed him but it was an entire procedure because I just couldn’t get comfortable with him.  I’d prop five pillows behind me and, again, awkwardly try to hold him the way I had been taught in order for him to latch on properly.  Milk was just spraying everywhere, Kyler was crying, my back and arms were aching…I hated breastfeeding from this point forward. 

I couldn’t wait for the next day because we were going back to the doctor for Kyler’s checkup and I wanted to get out of the house!  Until then, we had to deal with the night.  My husband tried to help as best as possible; but it was me who was doing the holding and feeding and rocking/swaying.  I remember just crying thinking about how I could never do anything alone again.  It was so hard to do anything because I just couldn’t put the baby down.  He would cry and I did not know how to console him.  I was still feeling tired from the medicine I’d received at the hospital and thank goodness for it.  However, the need and want to sleep was just so strong.  I wanted to die.  I just did not want to be a mother.  At this point, I had no desire to be with my baby at all.  I’m sure that some people may read this and think what a lunatic I was…I truly couldn’t help it!  I hated it!  Unfotunately, I did not feel the love and bond that many others have with their newborn.  What WAS wrong with me???

That night, we just took turns holding him, trying to get him to sleep.  If we set him down, he’d just cry or make this really loud grunting noise.  I fed him every 1-2 hours and hated every minute of it.  Oh, I hated my husband at this point too!  I don’t remember too much more from that night other than I felt sorry for myself and wanted to go back in time.  I counted down the hours until we took Kyler to the doctor so that someone else could help hold him and briefly take me out of this nightmare of a life I was in.

Finally, we made it through the night and to the doctor’s office….GUESS WHAT?!?!  My baby’s jaundice was severe enough to land him back in the hospital overnight.  Crazy as this sounds, I was SO excited until I found out that we would all be staying in the same hospital room overnight.  My husband and I would share a single hospital bed and poor Kyler would lay beside us underneath the “lights” in the incubator type thing.  We were not to pick him up unless I was feeding him which actually did hurt my heart a bit.  Thank goodness, I wasn’t a complete monster.  I did feel sorry for my alien.  I did like the attention and help that we received while in the hospital and again dreaded going home.

More to come…..

Baby Blues or Postpartum depression? (Part 1)

I’d like to write about my experience with postpartum depession.  It may take a few posts to get everything out but I’m at least going to start it.

Let me go back a little over a year ago…Kyler at 3 days old….

In hindsight, maybe I should have known that something was not exactly “OK” when I just DID NOT want to be released from the hospital.  Seriously, I wanted to stay forever.  This alien, as he was known as, slept about 22 hours a day; so what was my problem?  It wasn’t that hard.  Well, the breastfeeding was kind of hard but I was determined.  I promised friends and family that I’d give it a try.   I enjoyed the sessions of help from the nurses- even if I was nude and at the mercy of a stranger.  At least they were telling me what to do.  I was really enjoying the free food which was actually managed like a hotel with room service.  The nurses didn’t exactly “take him” as much as I’d hoped but I was ok with that…I was hip and knew that the baby stays in the room these days.  Changing diapers was a bit of a problem at this point because it was so hard for me to get off the bed and waddle over to the changing table (that I couldn’t reach unless standing on my tippy toes).  So, my husband did most of the changing…bless his heart.  The nurses had that swaddling thing down pat; so Kyler would fall right to sleep after they finished with him.  Come to think about it, of course, I didn’t want to go home!!!  I was being waited on hand and foot and for the most part, so was Kyler. 

I have to say, it did all start when we were packing up to go home.  First of all, let me admit something about myself: I do struggle with a few OCD/perfectionism issues.  And, I didn’t want to get pregnant with fear of getting fat (lame but true).  So, when I tried on my “going home” outfit and my body was completely disproportioned, (and I mean DISPROPORTIONED!), I had the quick realization that I wasn’t going home to the “home” that I once knew.

The Emergency Room with a One Year Old

Why is it that anytime you wait in the Emergency Room, you wait longer than you would for a “non” emergency??? 

Friday afternoon, I was mowing the yard.  Why?  Well, in my home, that is the only time that I get a bit of peace.  The deal is that if I mow the grass, Kyler’s daddy will feed him and put him to bed for me.  Trust me, this is a great deal!  I was on my last row when Kyler’s daddy came outside holding a bleeding Kyler.  I saw blood but Kyler wasn’t crying.  When I got closer, I saw a huge gash in my baby’s head.  I almost fainted!  So, to the ER we went a racing!

When I was pregnant, I had to go to the ER several times due to spotting.  As far as I was concerned, bleeding during pregnancy was a big deal.  We waited six hours on our first vist and four on the second visit.  Obviously, we were not the priority.  Now, I understand that they were probably more critical patients out there.  Also, they always took children in before me. 

So, this time, I just thought for sure that we would be “those people” who got rushed right in…I mean, we did have a one year old with a bleeding head!!!  Guess again.  Now, I’ve mentioned before that we do have a “difficult” toddler.  He’s not malicious (at least not yet); just ancy, fussy, and mad most of the time.  Just the drive to the hosipital was a challenge in itself in rush hour Dallas traffic.  We made it and Kyler was actually being a trooper.

Once inside, there were only a few other people in the waiting area.  “Great!”, I thought.  “We really are going to get right in to see the physician.”  Nope.  First, we had to wait fifteen minutes to be called into the “Triage area” of which I still don’t understand it’s purpose.  The hospital employee asked if Kyler was up to date on his shots and attempted to put a bandaid on his head…of course, it was ripped right off.  Then we had wait another forty-five minutes to be called again.  This time, we were called to fill out insurance paperwork and assured that we were about to be called back to the “rooms”. 

Meanwhile, Kyler and his daddy had to go outside because he didn’t want puffs, juice, or Mommy…he wanted to run around and scream.  He was in a good mood despite his gash.  The problem is that we were trying to prevent another gash, keep him off the dirty floor, and if possible, not completely annoy everyone around us.  (Later, I realized that we should have just kept him inside to annoy everyone.)

Finally, after another thirty minutes of waiting, a bleeding Kyler was called back to the “rooms”.  We were actually taken back to an area of single beds all in a row with other sick and injured people.  Apparently, we weren’t injured enough to go into a “room”.  What do you do with a one year old while in an emergency room?  We didn’t have time to be too prepared.  Fortunately, we did bring a few snacks, drinks and two toys.  Unfortunately, we have a toddler who doesn’t want to play with toys; he only wants to run around and scream (as mentioned earlier).  Kyler’s daddy and I were really about to pass out from trying to keep this twenty-five pound monkey on the bed and not on the floor or in the way of others.  It was approaching his bedtime and all we could do was wait and wait and wait.  REALLY?  This is the emergency room?  Another hour and a half went by when finally one of the nurse’s tried to speed up the process by applying a topical ointment to help numb Kyler’s head before the real numbing needle was placed.  Again, the band aid covering the ointment was ripped off.  Blood was all over everything and quite frankly, I didn’t mind.  I thought that maybe he would appear more “emergency-like” if he was bleeding all over the place. 

After I lost track of the time, the physician on duty came over and stitched Kyler up in front of all the other sick and injured patients.  The screams of my child were truly unbearable.  Even my husband was unable to stand it and had to go sit down.  It was incredibly sad to witness but the physician did do a good job (at least that is what I was told).

What did I learn from this trip?  I will try an Urgent Care office if possible; but if we ever have to go to the ER again, we’re taking the ambulance….those people do get to go immediately into the “rooms”!!