Another update- this time fish oil/autism

Well, I put “fish oil” in the title of this post for anyone who was interested in an update on our situation regarding fish oil (in particulary Omega 3’s & 6′).   I believe this stuff works!  I don’t think it produces miracles (or at least not in my child); but we have definitely witnessed improvements each time Kyler started on it.  I say “each time” because we had to take him off of it for 3 days in order to have lab tests completed.  We then placed him on a new kind of fish oil.  Again, as mentioned in prior posts, we were delighted to hear more babbling sounds!  His babbling has continued for 14 days which for us is incredibly encouraging!

This blog is going to have a change of pace going forward.  I’m going to focus more on autism or at least autistic behaviors, methods to improve the condition, and HOPEFULLY a recovery!

The “A” word- Autism

Well, it has been a very long time since I’ve posted.  Many things have come to surface since my last post.  First, I’ve had lots of family in town over the past month so I’ve been busy cleaning, entertaining, etc.  Second, Kyler didn’t improve for awhile… in fact, he took a turn for the worst.  I hesitated on posting because I just didn’t want to post the negative.  It’s time to get to writing again so here goes:

We started the gluten and casein free diet about 5 weeks ago and have been on fish oil for 7 weeks.  We were thrilled with the initial improvement with Kyler from the fish oil.  The GFCF diet was supposed to help because I’ve known in my heart that he has digestive issues.  Supposedly, this diet would help him because he wouldn’t have to breakdown the proteins in the milk and wheat products.  Unfortunately, we have not really seen too many gains from it.  The biggest gain is that I’ve been forced to use my kitchen and actually cook things.  OMG.  I don’t like NON-convenient things!

Kyler soon regressed and lost all babbling sounds and Dada.  He withdrew from us, stopped clapping on cue, dancing on cue, giving “high fives”, and really stopped responding to his name.  It was extremely frustrating.  I heard that he might experience a regression due to withdrawals from the food but after a month with no improvement…I was quite disappointed.

The more I researched.  The more I realized.  Kyler has a problem.  This isn’t just a speech delay as I had so prayed.  His signs of autism are so apparent.  God, WHY?  I’ve researched so much that I feel like an expert although I’m far from one.  There is hope.  Lots of hope and encouragement.  Children ARE recovering from autism.  Please let my child be one of those children.  I had already found information regarding a DAN! doctor (Defeat Autism Now!).  And, there happens to be one in my city- a well-known board certified surgeon.  I decided that we needed to go see this doctor to start healing my child.  No one had diagnosed him but my heart knows the truth.  I still don’t really let it sink in.  Everything just started to fit together.  Pictures from the past year show signs of things that I just ignored or didn’t know any better.  His baby book points out milestones that were met early and then lost …. not coincidentally around the time after his vaccinations.

The biggest turning point was after the last set of vaccines.  He did NOT receive the MMR.  I was already paranoid at this point so I thought I was saving him by not allowing him to receive it.  Instead, he was injected with 5 other shots including one that was a combo AND a TB screen.  The very next day, Kyler ran a 104 fever, was lethargic and couldn’t not stand nor crawl.  Quite scary.  Because he had always reacted poorly to shots I did not take him to the ER.  I consulted his pediatrician who assured me …. he’s fine.  It was after this time that Kyler lost all of the gained skills.  He would ocassionally pick up a skill here or there but lose it again. 

At any rate, so here we are…facing the “A” word.  He’s been referred to a neurologist and GI doctor but I’m procrastinating for fear of diagnosis and inappropriate medication.  I’m relying on his DAN! doctor for now although I will be taking him to the neurologist.  The DAN! doctor prescribed 3 supplements to start: Cod Liver Oil, L-Glutamine (amino acid), S Boulardi (anti-fungal/probiotic).  Be it coincidence or the GFCF diet finally kicking in, we started to get DaDa again from him.  You may recall from previous posts that the last time his started on fish oil, he bagan babbling again…soon after lost it again. 

This time, we are getting more babbling, pointing, and shorter tantrums.  No miracles but small steps…we’ll take them! 

He’s also starting in ABA therapy.  This intense therapy that has to be ran and managed by me is going to be very interesting.  I hope it helps.  So far, he has learned to “sit down” if he wants me to read a book to him.  For any other parent of a 15 month old, this may seem small.  To us, it is HUGE.  I feel like I’m training a dog but supposedly, it’s proven to work.

We’ll continue with the speech and ABA therapy for the next month.  Then, we’ll get the results back from the tests taken with the DAN! doctor (food allergies, toxins, bacteria, etc). I’m hoping for answers.  OH, JUST AS IMPORTANT…just from the prick of Kyler’s finger, here is what the doctor was able to show us, via a microscope, of Drew’s blood:

• Evidence of a vaccine injury- an environmental infection
• Leaky Gut Syndrome
• Poor nutrition
• Overworked spleen
• His body is absorbing the wrong things and digesting the good things
• Allergies of some sort
• Bad/Overgrowth of yeast
• Heavy metal toxins

Seriously, we were shown these occurences in his blood cells- AMAZING.  We should be able to heal his leaky gut and pray that he will begin to digest properly and maintain nutrients.  Perhaps, communication skills will improve at that time.  As far as the infection…I’m not sure as to how that will be helped.

Well, I know this post is kind of jumbled but I wanted to give an update since it has been so long.

BTW- thanks for the encouragement and comments.  I appreciate it!

Speech Delay and Omega 3’s & 6’s (Wks 2-3)

I really wanted to update this last Saturday.  If I had, it would have been much more positive.  Last weekend, we finally heard DaDa again.  Kyler said it a few months ago but lost it.  We were THRILLED to hear him finally say it again.  We have much more eye contact and smiling directly at us.  He has also pointed twice which is big for us.  The DaDa was fairly consistent for 5 days.  Unfortunately, he lost it for 2 days but is sort of picking it back up again.  As you can tell, we hang on every sound!  He had a semi-traumatic day on the day he didn’t really babble.  And, he has four molars coming in all at once.  I tend to believe that when he is truly teething, he makes less noise.  Perhaps, it is painful for him to babble or something.???  At any rate, it has been an up and down week this week but last week was GREAT!  I’m hoping that he’ll continue to use DaDa and “Gee” and add on a few more sounds.  We believe we are hearing “cat” but it doesn’t mean cat.  If anything it is what he is trying to call our dog.  Also, we’ve noticed lots of “bbbmmm” kind of sounds and maybe, just maybe “mum”.  I certainly would NOT consider either sounds to be new words. 

Update on therapy….we thought everything was going well but our ECI speech therapist recommended bringing in a developmental specialist.  I also took him to a private therapist who informed me that she believes he has some sensory issues along with a speech delay.  I was crushed by both issues.  I want so badly to believe that he is just a late-talker but it is looking more and more like something else.  We are going to continue with the ECI therapy including the developmental specialist and a nutritionist.  However, we’re going to wait on further private therapy for the time being ( at least until Kyler is 18 months old).

Something new: we have also decided to implement a gluten and casein free diet.  There is so much debate about this topic and learning delays/disorders.  We figured, what the heck!  There is more background as to why we are starting this diet and I’ll write that in another blog.

Bottom line: Fish oil/Omega 3’s & 6’s, are they working?  Yes, they appear to be working.  I’m not blown away but I’ve seen much improvement despite a few regressions.  It’s only been 3 weeks and he only takes one supplement per day.  I’m anxious to see how he is progressing after these teeth are completely in and after it’s been a total of 6 weeks.

If anyone has a suggestion or could tell me how much their child takes of the fish oil supplement, I’d greatly appreciate it.  I’m just wondering if he is taking enough.

Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression (Part 5) I don’t want to admit it

So, we got through a VERY LONG first month with our brand new alien, Kyler.  We decided to cancel the contract on the house we were building because it was taking them WAY too long.  (We signed a contract when I was 3 months pregnant and when Kyler was 1.5 months old, they had not even broken ground…)  Fortunately, we were able to find a brand new inventory home and just decided to buy it.  It worked out for the best.  Trying to deal with a newborn, being completely unhappy, “settling” on a new house, and now preparing to move was not the ideal situation.  Most people would be one the edge of a nervous breakdown-right?

Apparently, wrong.  I was so lucky to have my family help us move into our new home.  My parents stayed with us for a week while we unpacked.  Thank God they did because I may not have survived.  My emotions were out of control.  I was so at my wits end with Kyler that I basically refused to take care of him.  How terrible is that?  It was like I was turning a switch off in my head and just going to pretend that I didn’t have a child anymore.  I knew my parents were coming to help and I was going to let my mom have him.  My poor mom.

It was kind of out of nowhere that I just went out of control.  Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING either made me yell or cry.  I wanted no part of Kyler and let my mom take care of him all day every day.  I had moved into a brand new beautiful home but could not appreciate one bit of it.  All that I could see was everything that I couldn’t do anymore because of my alien.   There would be no time to decorate, much less shop for decorations, no time to enjoy the pool outside, no time to cook in the new big kitchen.  Again, pity me.  But, in my world, it was serious and that is how I felt.  I was losing control.  Well, I had already lost control but I was losing it mentally!  I can remember getting so mad at Baby Daddy for the smallest things such as how to make a grilled cheese sandwich.  I absolutely hated him.  It seemed (to me) that he had it so easy, could just work on projects outside, go to work, and not worry about his son or me.  Although my mom was caring for Kyler, I felt like I couldn’t get anything done.  I needed to empty boxes, pay and file bills, grocery shop, etc but felt as though I couldn’t get it done.  There was no reason why I couldn’t when I had plenty of help that week.  Subconsciously, I believe that I was so dreading my parents leaving and having to face the real world with Kyler again, that I was procrastinating and hoping that would somehow stall life.  The real story was that I didn’t want to face life so bad that I was taking everything out on everyone.  All of the yelling at Baby Daddy, all of the “poor me” conversations with my mom were really just me mad at myself for not getting it together.  Everyone has kids and survives.  What was wrong with me?

Finally, someone, I forget who first, mentioned that maybe I should talk to my doctor about postpartum depression.  WHAT?!  I DID NOT have postpartum depression.  My life just sucked, of course.  But, it didn’t.  I had a beautiful new house, a handy and helpful husband, and parents who were a blessing…I also had a healthy baby boy.  Why did I insist that my life was so bad?  Then, someone else mentioned that maybe I should consider talking to someone.  Again, I was offended.  I think when the third person (maybe my mom) mentioned that I was acting a bit out of control, I finally decided to mention it to my doctor.

Ok, I’ll mention it….although I do not have postpartum depression and I’m not taking any stupid anti-depressant that is going to make me fat.  I didn’t need medication – I thought it was ridiculous for people to take antidepressants anyway…  Finally, one afternoon after completely losing my cool with everyone and again realizing that I wanted NOTHING to do with my child, and coming to grips that my parents were leaving in two days, I did call the doctor.  They suggested that they would call in a prescription for me but that I still needed to come in to see my OB.  I was very concerned with the side effects of taking medication and thought that I probably wouldn’t take it anyway but at least I called…  When the nurse mentioned that it may cause weight gain- FORGET about it.  The last thing I needed for my “bad moods” was to gain weight.  I’d surely fall into depression then.  Regardless, I picked up the prescription in good faith but was not going to take it.

I did, however, go to see my OB.  My reasoning is actually hilarious yet sad.  I thought that if I cried enough and explained my sorry life to her that maybe somehow she would make it all go away.  Well, in a sense, she sort of did.  I did cry…but my tears were real.  I felt stupid and pathetic but let it all out anyway.  The important part was that she didn’t appear to judge me in the least.  She sympathized with my situation and comforted me in a way no one had been able to up to that point.  She “diagnosed” me like it was certain and no wonder I had been acting the way I had been.  I couldn’t help it.  The best part was that she did prescribe something for me (something different than before) and it changed my life.

Perhaps, I should have been much less judgemental of all the people on antidepressants.  What did I know?  Well, I learned quickly that if you are fortunate enough to find the right one for you, it may make all the difference in the world.  And it did.  Immediately.  I finally admitted that I did have postpartum depression and I wasn’t embarrassed to say it aloud.  I was also comfortable with admitting that I was treating it with medication.  Maybe it is just in my head and the medication really didn’t do all that much?  What I do know is that I still take it and wouldn’t dare stop.  I’m not going to go into detail about what sort of changes I felt or what I’m taking.  I do want to encourage anyone reading this who feels similar to the way I did to talk to someone, preferably a doctor.  Be open-minded.  I do not feel that I am healed.  I believe that maybe depression will always be with me somehow but I do feel better.  Over the past year since I was originally treated for postpartum depression, my husband has faced many potential layoffs with his job (fortunately, he still has it), we were transferred across the country to a state where I know no one, and my little Kyler (to whom is now absolutely BEAUTIFUL and in no way an alien) is now starting to show a developmental delay.  The latter situation is testing my strength right now.  I have been able to deal with selling and buying yet another house, moving far away from my family and friends; but this new issue with Kyler is very hard to deal with for me.  Hopefully, we will work through it but I am admitting that mentally, I’m losing it a little again. 

Well, if for nothing else, maybe someone reading this feels or felt similar to me and can either get help or at least relate.

Speech Delay and Omega 3’s & 6’s (Week 1)

So this week, we started Kyler on the Omega 3’s & 6’s, AKA fish oil, for his speech delay.  I want to keep a journal/blog of weekly progress.  I’m in a bit of a hurry tonight but I will quickly note any differences (positive or negative) that we’ve seen in him.  He has been on this supplement for seven days.  As of this week, the following changes in speech and behavior have occured:

Positive:

• Almost immediately started babbling the “da” sound.  Not everyday or all day but almost everyday.
• When in very playful moods, we heard many babble sounds such as goo, gi, da, boo
• One day, it sounded like he was using “goo” (like good minus the d) for book.
• He has also started using “gi” for truck.  He immitated us for this sound as well.
• Most notably, his eye contact and attention span have seen much improvement.  His speech therapist also was impressed in the change over the week.
• He fed himself with a spoon for the first time.
• He played “splash” in the bathtub and enjoyed his bath.  (Usually, he does not like baths.)
• He started to play “ball” with us by standing at the top of the stairs throwing the ball down to us.  We would then say, “ready, set, ball” and throw it back to him.  He seemed to thoroughly enjoy this activity.

Negative:

• Loose stools but that was already happening with him
• Not willing to rock in order to calm down for nap or bedtime.  He was very energetic and I would have to put him in his crib awake and let him cry a minute or two and then he was asleep (not necessarily a completely bad thing).

All in all-  It was a milestone marking week with a little more sounds and better attention.  Coincidence?  Perhaps.  I’ll update next week hoping to have more sounds!

Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression (part 4) The Everyday

So, I was on the third week of having had Kyler, I was still bleeding from the delivery, and still hoping that maybe I was bleeding bad enough to be sent back to the hospital.  Insane right?  We were so exhausted from not getting any sleep.  Kyler would grunt the entire night and we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him besides the generic “colic” term.  Perhaps he really had colic; but no one was able to help us help him.  Meanwhile, the breastfeeding was such an issue.  I just hated every minute of it.  I hated waking up in the middle of the night and fighting to get him to latch on correctly.  I hated having to be half dressed for most of the day.  I hated how uncomfortable I was when he was feeding. 

Unfortunately, I was still not bonding with my baby.  Kyler was not “cute” by any means, he was so tiny and fragile.  He wasn’t progressing with anything that my friends’ babies were doing.  I was so expecting a gerber baby but had an alien baby.  This is definitely sounding like a pity me party; but in all honesty, it was very real to me.  Selfishly, I just wanted my old life back.  We waited until I was 30 to have a baby so perhaps I had just been independent for too long.  I wanted to feel like me again and not just a milk maker.  Still to this day, I get depressed to hear other mothers with their perfect new babies who slept all the time and never cried.

We were temporarily living in a condo while we waited for our new house to be built so our living situation didn’t help matters. I remember just holding Kyler for hours praying for him to stop crying while my husband was at work.  I would walk in mini circles outside our front door singing lullabyes to him for literally hours at a time.  Tears would just pour down my face.  Maybe I just didn’t know what to do with him.  Maybe if I had another one it would be better because I could do things differently.  At this point though, we’re not taking any chances, one is enough! 

It was so frustrating to not be in control of my life, home, baby, etc.  Our condo was a wreck which was definitely adding to the depression.  As mentioned in other posts, I am a perfectionist and when it comes to clutter and messes…they make me CRAZY!  When you have a newborn, you have clutter and messes- especially when you live in a tiny condo.  The baby gear was everywhere, our dog’s fur was everywhere because I couldn’t vacuum like I wanted, gunk was building up everywhere due to lack of alone time to get it cleaned.  I looked absolutely HORRIBLE.  Fortunately, I DID lose the weight and my body was returning to post pregnancy-ish again.  Sort of.  Jeans and tee shirts still weren’t fitting right but the scale was looking a bit better.  Basically, I didn’t have time to eat and what I did eat was coming right back out in the breastmilk.

My mother in law was truly a lifesaver throughout Kyler’s first few months.  She helped me by keeping him at least once a week.  Thank God!  While he was away,  I wouldn’t rest.   I’d just clean, read baby help books, and eat as much as I could!  I would analyze everything about the way I was taking care of Kyler trying to find a miracle solution to his eating and sleeping issues.  BTW,  I tried all sorts of herbal remedies and gas medicines: Colic Calm, various Little Tummies products, and Mylicon.  None of which were successful.

I felt sorry for myself everyday.  It was weird to be so down…I mean just DOWN.  Why wasn’t I bonding with my baby?  Why was I being so selfish wanting my free time back?  Why did it seem like I was the only one feeling this way?

First Day at Mother’s Day Out for my Difficult Toddler

Well, we did it.  Survived, that is…  sort of.  Let me just say that I did NOT receive a phone call to come and get him early.  That’s success for me!!! 

To be as organized as I usually am, I had the hardest time getting us out the door this morning.  I labeled everything last night and had his bag ready to go.  I went over his morning routine in my head countless times trying to figure out the best way to keep him happy until we arrived at school.  Nevertheless, we were five minutes late on our first day (not too bad).  He woke up in a decent mood, took his fish oil with no hesitation (whole different post), and stayed happy the entire car ride there.  As we approached his classroom, he actually let out a little babble/laugh…which for us is a VERY BIG DEAL. 

His teacher met me at the door and explained that they had decided to split his class in two.  She showed me his new classroom and introduced me to his new teacher.  Ok, I can handle it…I mean, when she met me at the door, I just thought for sure that they were already kicking him out.    There were four or five other little ones already in the classroom and all seemed very happy.  I set Kyler down and got on the floor with him to help him adjust.  Oh no.  For absolutely no reason, he just starts crying.  GREAT.  I was showing him the toys and the other children (he usually loves other kids).  Nope, not working.  Thankfully, one of the teacher’s aides was able to get his attention and stop the crying.  Whew.  Ok, time to sneak out!  Before sneaking out, I explained to his new teacher that Kyler is still taking 2 naps.  If he doesn’t get the morning nap, he will get very fussy!!!  I also had left him a cup of juice, milk, and lunch.  She seemed to understand and encouraged me to sneak away..and I did. 

Ok, deep breath.  I did it.  He’s there and he’ll be fine.  I decided to just go hang out at Target for an hour so that if they did call me when he gets tired and irritable, I’d be right around the corner.  It was approaching 11am and they still hadn’t called.  So, I went home, paid bills, straightened the house, ate lunch and headed back to get him.  It was so nice to have the time BY MYSELF to get stuff accomplished.  I almost didn’t know what to do with myself!

I returned to the school a little early and decided to go ahead and pick him up.  I brought my camera (the battery had been dead earlier) to take some “first day of school” pictures.  High hopes.  This time, I didn’t hear my child screaming….could it be?  Did he survive?  Is he NOT crying???  I peaked through the window on the door and saw that the teacher was changing his diaper.  Obviously, he wasn’t going to be happy during that process but he wasn’t screaming.  A few of the other children were sleeping in cribs, one was sitting quietly in his crib, one playing quietly on the floor, and one rocking herself in a rocking chair.  Seemed fairly peaceful.

When I went in, I realized that Kyler was crying so I rushed to get him.  I asked the teacher how he had been.  Her response….”well, to be honest, he cried almost the entire time.”  UGH!!!!!  She told me that they didn’t give him the morning nap or the juice that I had provided.  (I know that’s why he was so upset.)  They were able to get him to sleep for a few minutes though after lunch.  I felt terrible for Kyler and the teacher.  She must have been exhausted- I would know.  Then the Director stopped in and informed me that, “he had a rough time today.”  Really?  I mean, was my child the only one in the entire school to be so irritable and fussy?  Probably.

Poor little guy was so happy to be back at home with me.  I have such mixed emotions.  The school is good and I feel comfortable with them.  The problem is the nap situation.  I do not want to lose that morning nap and he needs it.  They said that they would try to put him down for the morning nap next time (he only goes one day a week).  I just selfishly really need that time to myself.  Having one day a week for 6 hours is like my new heaven!  I think he’s just going to have to stick it out again and I’ll pray he does better next time.

Speech Delay and Omega 3’s & 6’s

As I’ve posted before, Kyler may have a speech delay.  He has begun therapy with Early Intervention and I think that it will at least give my husband and I a few ideas of how to work with him.  Unfortunately, I just don’t think that once a week with a SLT is enough.  I’ve sought out private therapy and will be meeting with someone next week for an evaluation.  I’d like to get some sort of idea of what is causing the delay.  EI doesn’t diagnose; so they are just there for support and ideas. 

I’m a control freak and absolutely cannot stand the helpless feeling I have with Kyler and his speech issues.  Lately, I’ve really felt like I’m getting postpartum depression all over again…or maybe it’s just depression this time.  ??  I desperately want to hear my baby say Mama!  He used to say Dada and YumYum but now I’m struggling to get any babbling.  We were so incredibly happy, thankful and relieved when he finally said Dada (at 12.5 months); so when he stopped, my mood tumbled fast!  I’m heartbroken over this.  I know that he’s still very young but I can’t help but worry.  The problem is that he never began babbling.  Most babies fumble upon mama or dada very early on but don’t know what it means.  Later around a year, they say it with meaning.  Kyler never babbled at all…at all.  He has just recently started making sounds other than grunts.

Of course, the internet has information on everything so I have just been going to town searching for possible answers and solutions.  My husband absolutely freaks if I mention autism.  I just think we need to be real because he does have a few other red flags (wheel spinning, not responding to his name, not talking).  The more I research and really watch and listen to Kyler, I’m beginning to believe that it isn’t autism.  He is trying to communicate with us and DOES understand many things that we say.  Perhaps his lack of interest previously was due to my own inability to sit and entertain him for very long.  He had to learn to be independent early on.  Anyway, so I’ve really been working with him and I do see some positive things going on although still no words or even much babbling.

So, to the internet I go for more research.  I came across childhood apraxia of speech.  I have MUCH more research to do on this but I do see many symptoms in Kyler of this condition. I’m definitely anxious to hear what the private therapist thinks about it.  At any rate, I’ve found where many parents have supplemented their child’s diet with fish oils containing Omega 3’s & 6’s and have seen vast improvements in their children’s speech (and behavior).  Of course, I’m sure it’s not a miracle drug..actually it isn’t a drug at all and is completely natural.    I hate to give myself false hope but I’m starting Kyler on supplements.  I mean if for nothing else, they are very good for children and adults. 

Yesterday, we gave him one gelcap.  The dosage for an adult would be about 6 in a 24 hour period.  Ironically, that very afternoon, he was making much more eye contact and more noises.  Obviously, it was just a coincidence.  This morning, I put one in his breakfast…I heard “da” faintly about 10 times today.  Coincidence???  So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying that this is going to help him as well.  I am also working very hard on incorporating the EI’s suggestions into our daily routines.  Maybe I’m just more aware of what’s going on…nevertheless, I got a few babbles today!!!

I’m very interested in hearing from anyone who has had experience with a speech delayed child and the supplementation of Omega 3&6.

I’m going to update this in one week to see if there are any more improvements

…..keeping my fingers crossed….

Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression (Part 3) Crashing

It was Kyler’s 2 week birthday and my four year anniversary with my husband, Baby Daddy.  My MIL volunteered to keep Kyler for a few hours so that we could have some time to ourselves.  She thought maybe we could go to dinner or to a movie.  It was a nice gesture but I had so little energy and motivation that all I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and NEVER come out.  I felt guilty for letting someone babysit my infant this young.  My family members would surely have something to say about it.  I DESPERATELY wanted her to keep him though.  I was so incredibly thankful but pulled the “oh, you don’t have to do that” line.  Fortunately, my husband had enough sense to insist that she keep him. 

It was supposed to be for the best but it turned out to be for the worst.  What was left of my mental stability came crashing down as soon as we dropped him off at her house: uncontrollable tears, terrible thoughts about running away, even wishing for something bad to happen to me so that I could go back to the hospital.  I didn’t want to leave him with her because I didn’t want to have to get him back.  My husband kept assuring me that he would be ok with her…thinking that I was sad and worried to leave my baby.  I finally explained that my tears were because I didn’t want him back.  EVER.  We went straight home and the two hours that they kept him were the fastest two hours ever.  I just laid in bed and prayed for the ability to disappear. 

It was at this point that I wondered if something more than the baby blues was happening to me.  Was this postpartum depression?  I convinced myself that I was just feeling sorry for myself and that I needed to buck up.  Unfortunately, I was mentally and physically unable to buck up…things got worse.

Meet the Teacher Day with my Difficult Toddler

To manage my sanity, I decided to enroll Kyler in a Mother’s Day Out program one day a week.  We recently moved to Texas from Florida so I don’t have any family or friends to help out if I need to go to the doctor or run errands.  Baby Daddy and I thought that the Mother’s Day Out program would be a good way for Kyler to interact with other children and for me to get a little relief.

Today was Meet the Teacher Day at Kyler’s new school.  We were all prepared with our “impress the teacher” outfits.   I was on time, my child looked adorable, and we were ready to meet the teachers…  I’m always very anxious during outings with Kyler because he is so temperamental.  I don’t know why but he is always the one to not want to be in a stroller, or not want to be held, or not want to be set down.  It’s so embarrassing but I am persistant to try over and over to get him out and about hoping that one day he’ll behave in public. 

When we found his classroom, there were already several other children and parents standing around talking to the teachers.  My anxiety level was increasing as Kyler started to fuss…I cautiously took him out of his stroller and encouraged him to play on the floor with the other children and toys.  Whew, he did it.  Ok, now it’s time to meet his teachers.  I told myself that I would NOT tell his teachers about his presumed speech delay because I worried about them labeling him.  My big mouth, however, spouted it out immediately as I introduced myself to one of the nice ladies.  Much to my surprise, she comforted me by explaining that her daughter had a speech delay as a child and that she was very aware of how to work with children in need.  I was relieved…until I read that she is the teacher on the two days that Kyler is NOT in school.  GREAT, on to meeting the other teachers….

Meanwhile, Kyler was playing fairly well.  He was noisier than the other children with his grunts and “Aaahh” sounds but having fun.  So, the teachers informed us that there was a parent meeting in the auditorium and that we could leave our children in the classrooms with them if we felt comfortable.  Kyler appeared to be having a good time so I snuck out.  Twenty mintues later, after the meeting ended, I was headed down the hall to pick up my child.  I was feeling great…accomplished even.  We had successfully handled a day out in public and having him at Mother’s Day Out was going to be a good thing…….

Oh no.  I hear screaming.  Recognizable screaming.  Children’s screams sound similar – right?  Some poor child is not happy.  The closer I was to Kyler’s room the more sure I was that the scream I heard belonged to my son.  Indeed it did.  He was fine when I left him; I know he was.  Surely, she’s going to tell me that he was fine the entire time until just now.  NOPE.  I rescued the poor teacher and took Kyler into my arms.  He was crying so hard that he could barely breathe.    I apologized profusely to the teacher.  She said that he was fine for a few minutes after I left and then just lost it and they were never able to console him.  She said, “Oh, don’t worry about it.  It will take them a few times to adjust.  If we can’t handle him and he continues to cry, we’ll call you.”

Why do I have this feeling that the $200 non-refundable registration fee is money flushed down the toilet???

As soon as I got him out of his classroom, I realized that I had forgotten to give him his juice.  If you know anything about me, it is that I am scheduled.  Predictable.  This child of mine was as scheduled as can be and needs his juice or other meal right on time.  How could I’ve forgotten to leave them with his juice??  I hurriedly found it in his bag and gave it to him.  And he was calm……….

Well, one day down but many more to come.  I’ll write about his first real day of school which is not until next Wednesday.